Greatest commercial ever?

It's recently been brought to my attention that my lack of blogging on this page has left some people feeling unloved. So, since the NCAA tournament is kicking my ass right now, I can give just a little bit at a time. At least that little bit is in the form of the greatest commercial ever.



Don't forget to go check out Wildcat Blitz

So, what do you do when you can't play or sit on the bench?

That's the current situation for Astros second baseman Kaz Matsui who is facing surgery on anal fissures. Now, if you can move past the fact that his surgery involves the word "anal", then you can get to the true gold of the story. An anal fissure is a "crack or tear in the anus skin.". So, try not to puke when you think about the burning, bloody dooks that Matsui has been taking every day or the way he probably sheds a tear with every step he takes.

The problem most likely dates back to Matsui's rookie year when he was hazed by being forced into spending the night at Mike Piazza's place. The last thing that your anus wants is a night alone with that guy.

Happy St Patty's Day

Now, watch out for the Leprechaun.

Mastering the English language

Dictionary.com defines a whore as "a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet". I think this video from last night's The Moment of Truth explains it a little better.

It's a new day...

First, let me say this: Get Beeznered is going nowhere. It just might run a little slow for a day or two.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'd like to welcome you to a new era of Kentucky Sports coverage with the launching of WildcatBlitz.com. The site is the brainchild of myself and Evan Hilbert, an IU grad student and UK fan, and is designed to be the a one-stop site for all Kentucky fans.

It's a bit primitave right now, but we plan on adding message boards and a marketplace section where you can buy/sell tickets, textbooks, etc. as well as providing more coverage and commentary than anywhere else on the internet - or in print. Anyway, check it out, leave us some comments and feedback and let us know what you do and dont like so we can continue to try to make it better.

I appreciate all of the support I've gotten on this blog and would love for you all to help me take Kentucky sports coverage to a new level by supporting this new site.

Get Beeznered.

I bet you thought it was yesterday...

...but that is only because I lied to you. Don't worry, I want to make it right to you. So, lets like I just posted this today. I think it's better if we just move on like nothing ever happened. Here you go...again:

Rajon Rondo, the player most responsible for the beginning of the end of the Tubby era, celebrates the big two-two today.

I can only hope his friends have hyped up the party they are throwing for him. I hope they've told him how awesome it's going to be and when he gets there, there is no music playing he panics that no one will show up and it will be a giant disaster. Then, right before everyone gives up and leaves, they can wheel in the cake and everyone will stroll in from another room, begging the question "why didn't they do that earlier in the night?".

Thats the kind of party the king of turning it on and off deserves.

Still keeping it real

"Absentminded, late bloomers, social, tend to question authority".

These are the traits of a little brother. Is it any wonder that the glorified junior college on 64 keeps finding itself in trouble then?

The latest incident finds starting defensive back Rod Council doing his best to avoid having to play on next year's cellar-dwelling squad by robbing a convenience store with an uzi. Quite impressive until you realize the the master criminal managed to be on the lam for all of 5 hours. So, if that impressive display of hiding didn't gain him any historical significance, he will surely be remembered for answering one of the great questions in the criminal history of this school's athletic department:

"What happens when Willie Williams gets the munchies?"

Sup Holmes?

Not much man, just trying to figure out how I choked away the match to Tiger yesterday. Oh well, I told him that I'd be at The Sizzler if he wanted to catch some grub. I thought we were going to be friends after this.

Yeah, but what's his on base percentage?

Make no mistake, I am very much against this Jason Kidd trade. I love the Mavericks nearly as much as UK and this trade has me very concerned. I won't spare you all the details, but you can see my thoughts here.

The thing thats bothering me about it now, exactly one whole day into Jason Kidd: Part Deux, is the shell of the former player we aquired. You see, his first stroll through Dallas he was chastised for not being able to stick a jumper. He got this nickname:

Ason Kidd.

Well, not that he's scoring 11.3 ppg and shooting 36% from the field, both career lows, it's safe to say he has not offensive game left. I give you:

Asn Kidd

Well, if you watched him try to guard Chris Paul last night and saw Paul work him to the effect of 31 points and 11 assists, it wouldn't be a stretch to say that he can't play defense anymore. Sadly, you have:

Asn Ki

So, Mavericks fans, you've just traded away your starting center, starting point guard, two bench players, a white guy with sweet socks and two first round draft picks for a 35 year old Japanese center fielder.

Unbereaveable.

Scrubs, Laughs and Videotape: The Saga of Dusty Mills

Here lies the career of Dusty Mills. Mills was an undersized, almost neverused, walk-on, and even too undersized and too overmatched for that position. Mills lived life to the fullest by averaging 1.3 minutes in 4 appearances and for registering 2 career assists.

Mills' career came to an end after a few chuckles from the end of the bench during the Georiga game led to a curse-filled tirade from head coach Billy Gillispie. Gillispie was not pleased to see the television cameras showing Mills and Morakinyo Williams laughing while Ramel Bradley was still face-planted on the floor. Mills' career died shortly after Gillispie told him he was "sick of him".

Mills will best be remembered for countering Dwight Perry's celebration dance with constant laughs from the end of the bench and his pre-season media guide picture analysis from Beezner which read:

"Dusty Mills - I'm not really sure what to say. Just click on his picture. They guy should be thanking Jesus that he is playing for Kentucky because if he wasn't, then his name would be Dusty Nuts. That kid's chances of getting laid otherwise are about as good as my chances of winning a Pulitzer. He is VERY happy to be here, though."

Mills is survived by his BFF (bench friend forever) Williams, his sexual prime and his love of the Kentucky basketball team.

UK 61, Georgia 55

The great Lou Brown once said:

“We won yesterday. If we win today, that's two-in-a-row. If we win tomorrow, that's called a winning streak; it has happened before."

Arkansas, you better get ready.

Dickey Nutt steps down...

Arkansas State coach Dickey Nutt resigned as head coach yesterday after 13 years of leading the Indians (soon to be Red Wolves, Ridge Riders or Express Train).

Somewhere Beavis and Butthead are laughing.

Sup Holmes?

Oh, not much. Just getting ready to take on Tiger today at the Accenture Matchplay Championships. You can check it out on the Golf Channel between 2 and 6 pm.

P.S. I still don't like being called Johnny Wadd.

Happy Birthday

Rihanna turs 20 today which, in most cultures, is prime age for getting beeznered. I suggest you look into it Rihanna.

McDonald's All-American Teams Announced

The McDonald's All-American rosters were announced today and, unless Scotty Hopson signs with the Cats, it will feature no Wildcat signees for the 6th time in the last 10 contests, which doesn't sound so great on the surface.

But, if you take a closer look at the game's alumni that have suited up for Kentucky, it might not be all that bad. Here are the All-Americans signed by the Cats in the past 10 years.

Patrick Patterson (2007) - This seems to be quite the home run so far. If he sticks around for awhile, then it should continue to be a pretty solid pickup.

Joe Crawford (2004) - I'll give Joe a free pass. Has he been having an excellent senior year, but after all the up-and-down movement since he stepped on campus, he might not have been worth the trouble leading into this season. I'd like to think you should expect more from an All-American, but this year gets him a temporary pass.

Randolph Morris (2004) - Morris, the jewel of the 2004 class that sent UK into a downward spiral, was a pretty successful college player before bailing early. Except for the first early entry. And if you don't count his constant fading away. And if you can forgive his knack for fouling. Other than that, he did a pretty good job - especially when you consider he did it all while being cross-eyed.

Rajon Rondo (2004) - This guy laid a big, fat turd. I'm sure everyone will want to jump all over me for this one and cite his NBA success, but the truth is that this douche was made for the League and his college career proved it. If there was a stat for most career dribbles, then Rondo would probably own it. The only problem is that even though he could get to the rack for an easy lay-up whenever he wanted, he rarely did.

Rashaad Carruth (2001) - Carruth didn't really do anything outside of a big game against Duke as a freshman, which was enough to gain him tons of fan support - something that got you pretty much nowhere in the Tubby Smith Era (which is how it should be). After transferring from UK and Oklahoma and quitting Souther Miss, Carruth left only one lasting impression on me. At my freshman orientation in the summer of 2001, I was lucky enough to bump into Mr. Carruth at the Classroom Building, which was the one thing I wanted to do while I was in Lexington. How did I know it was him? Outside of his unmistakeable physical appearance, Carruth was actually wearing his own McDonald's All-American jersey on campus. If that doesn't make up for his lackluster career in your eyes, then I guess he's still a bust.

Marvin Stone (1999) - When your biggest moment as a college player is beating Kentucky while wearing a Louisville jersey, then you earn infinity negative points. When you factor in that he looked and moved like the missing link, then you've got the most disappointing player in the history of basketball. At any level.

Keith Bogans (1999) - The Ole Bullethead had a pretty good career. His junior year was a little rocky after declaring for the draft and returning to school but, overall, he's the type of four-year player that defined Kentucky basketball in the late 90s and early 2000s. I still say Kentucky makes the Final Four if he's healthy enough to at least stand in Dwyane Wade's way a couple of times in 2003.

UK vs. Georgia

In honor of the big, or medium sized, game against Georgia tonight, it's only fair that we pay tribute to those who have been there long before us. So, let us not forget the importance of Jim Harrick.

In these days of unlimited nights and weekends calling for the Hoosiers coaches, it's important to remember the coach who was really there for his players when they needed him. Sure, it's easy to make a couple of phone calls just to keep communication open. Trust me, it worked wonders in college. But, it takes a special coach to produce this exam. And that coach is Jim Harrick.

A little Tuesday morning boob action

If you are offended by partial nudity, then this is not for you. However, if you've been wanting to see Lindsay Lohan's boobs for as long as I have, then check out this photo shoot where she recreates Marilyn Monroe's last shoot. More importantly, she's topless and her jugs are almost as awesome as I dreamed they would be.

Ohio is for Lovers

Proving that people in Ohio are as scummy/awesome as ever, three couples were married at a Columbus White Castle on Valentine's Day. The wedding included the flower girl throwing salt and pepper packets and a cake that looked like a tray with burgers on it.

In related news, Harold and Kumar are still trying to get out of Guantanamo Bay.

Greatest day ever?

This is probably the only thing I am going to post today and not because I don't have a lot of time or don't have anything to write about. This is just way too important. I want to make sure everyone sees this.

Today is International 'That's what she said' Day. I swear I am not making this up. If there was ever a holiday to celebrate the absolute bejesus out of, this is it. So make sure you annoy the holy hell out of your coworkers all day. No matter how annoyed they get or how many threats you they throw your way, don't give up. Just keep giving it your all until you can't give any more.

That's what she said.

A real hopeless romantic

This guy looks like he could be an "Earl", but he isn't. His name, though, is still Jason Lee and he is just a guy looking for love in Cincinnati, Ohio. He is now locked up on drug charges at the Hamilton County jail, but the true crime is that authorities are about to file charges against him for trying to woo and romance a couple of classy ladies. Kinda.

Lee has admitted to using the jail's internet site to find women who are locked up. Lee then posts their bail in exchange for drugs and sex. But, it's not like he's some sort of predator. He only targets women who have a history of drugs and prostitution - and only if they are "cute".

It's just so hard to fall in love these days...

Happy Valentine's Day

In honor of this special day, some of sports biggest stars have come out to give you special Valentine's wishes.

Jeff Garcia says:

"Will you be my Valentine? Oh, I'm sorry. I was actually speaking to the tall, well-built gentelman behind you? You know, the one with the tan and the cute butt?"







Brother Love says:

"To-niiiight is a vuhery spe-ecial ni-ight. Not onnnnly be-cuh-uz Buh-rother Luh-ove is here, but the be-cuh-uz the World Wress-uh-lin' Fed-uh-ration promised Buh-rother Luh-ove a vehry special gift. No-ow you nuh-eed to do what I say. Startin' with those puh-annies. Giruhl, theyey need to go-o."

Osi Umenyiora says:

"Hold still, girl. If you keep rolling around, it's going to be impossible for me to get my dookie to land on your chest."

Bernard Cote says:

"Hé là-bas l'enfant mignon. Mon nom est Bernard. J'ai vu la façon que vous avez tournée de moi dans les Communications 101 classent. Mais c'est bien le mec. Tout nous avons sommes ce moment. Et il pourrait être allé demain juste comme ma carrière de cerceaux.

Maintenant m'embrasser, le grand homme. "





Shawn Kemp says:

"Listen, I'm gonna make this [expletive] real simple for you. You're gonna take off those mother [expletive] panties and you're going to lay on the mother [expletive] bed. When I'm done doing this mother [expletive] blow, I'm going to [expletive] the [expletive] out of you without a mother [expletive] condom. I'm Shawn Kemp, bitch."



Bobby Petrino says:

"Hey, look, I know we were supposed to go out tonight. But, I actually just got asked out by a girl at work. She doesn't have the biggest boobs in the world, but they are a little bigger than yours. Sorry."

Marv Albert says:

"Hey sweetie, open this gift I got for you.

You like it? Isn't that the sexiest thong you've ever seen?

Am I looking forward to wearing it? In one word - YES!"




Maria Sharapova says:

"I want to get beeznered. So bad. I mean seriously. I want it."

Please boycott Will Ferrell

I’m over him. I just don’t find him remotely entertaining anymore. I used to think the guy was pure genius, but he’s long worn out his welcome. You can only play the same character in a different costume so many times and Ferrell has done it about 10 times too many. It might have something to do with annoying little frat boys running around and dropping stupid lines like “Cannnnon-baaaaall!”, but I think Ferrell should have just stuck with SNL until they fired him.

I’m urging you to please boycott Ferrell from here on out. If you’re having trouble grasping how overrated he is, then please take a list at the steady decline of his movie career.

Night at the Roxbury - Pretty stupid. He didn’t exactly start out with a bang.
Zoolander - Ferrell managed to steal the movie despite playing 5th or 6th fiddle. Very solid.
Old School - Quite possibly the greatest comedy of our generation. Frank the Tank was a great character and Ferrell played it well - but his part was any better or more important than Vince Vaughn‘s or Luke Wilson‘s.
Elf - Ferrell’s first major starring role since Night at the Roxbury. He didn’t really deliver much of an improvement from that. Probably could have used Chris Kattan to make the movie better. And he sucks.
Anchorman - One of the most overrated movies of all-time. Again, Ferrell benefited from a great ensemble cast but, on the whole, the movie was pretty weak - especially if you have at least half a brain.
Kicking and Screaming - Sucked. More Ditka.
The Producers - Bombed. Too gay for me to go see.
Curious George - I didn’t see this because I’m too old, but I’m not going to knock it. Curious George deserves more respect than that.
Talladega Nights - Pretty great movie, but not because of Ferrell at all. John C. Reilly made the movie and Sasha Baron Cohen was light year’s funnier and more important to the overall movie being good than Ferrell. He had a couple of memorable moments but most of them were because of Reilly setting them up or making the punch line memorable (the prayer scene for example).
Stranger than Fiction - If you saw this, you are probably a huge turd. Or a woman. However, for these purposes, Ferrell gets a pass.
Blades of Glory - This movie was absolutely terrible. I honestly don’t think I laughed once. Or even cracked a smile. Putting the Napoleon Dynamite guy and Ferrell together and hoping that they make a movie fly is the obviously the work of a chimp or Corky. Seriously, did anyone find this movie entertaining?

I’m not counting the Austin Powers movies or Starsky and Hutch because Ferrell had about as much to do with those as I did with the Cowboys winning 3 Super Bowls in the 90’s (I did a lot of praying and cheering). Also, I will give him credit for his years on Saturday Night Live. Hell, I’ll even give him props for the picture above this post. Pretty good. It’s just his movies suck big time.

So, I’m begging you. Do not go see Semi-Pro. Let’s stick together and do our part to make sure this guy goes away forever and takes his little douche patrol of North Face jacket - clad impersonators with him.

The hottest thing I've ever seen

I don't know what it is, but I can't stop watching this video about Marisa Miller's boxing workouts. It's just great. And if that's not good enough for you, check out her pictures from this year's Swimsuit issue.

This guy is homophobic?

In a twist of sick irony, Browns quarterback Brady Quinn (pictured above as a member of the Village people), is accused of standing outside of a Mexican restaurant and yelling slurs at men outside of an adjacent gay bar. He also reportedly tried to start a fight.

Assuming that Quinn wasn't just trying to use reverse psychology to lure homosexuals into roughing him around a bit for his own man-ertainment, this is pretty baffling to me. I'd be less shocked if I found out that Jim Brown was heckling young black men with the "N" word like the blind white supremacist from Chappelle's Show.

Really. You mean the guy that did this and this hates gay people? I'm so lost.

Is it too early to look to football season?

Desperate times call for desperate measures. One of the greatest inventions in the history of scheduling had to be the team-by-team schedule laid out in helmets that I saw for the first time last year. Here is this year's SEC schedule. In helmets.

More bad news for UK

Outback Steakhouse, whose founder is UK alum Chris Sullivan, was hit with the Worst Food in America tag by Men's Health for its Aussie Cheese Fries. This would be devastating to the fragile UK ego right now if the fries weren't so awesome and Men's Health wasn't such a gay magazine.

An ass-kicking of epic proportions

What a freaking joke. Take away Ashley Judd, who keeps getting better with age, and there is absolutely nothing to take away from this game. Not even a single moral victory. From the opening tip until the 50th time they showed Laettner hitting his game-winner in 1992, it was a merciless kick to my Big Blue Manhood. I’ll let my rambling post do my talking, but let me explain.

I started to do a minute-by-minute running blog of this game like I did for the BCS Championship Game. Here is what happened:

9:04 They play that stupid arena song. Seriously, this song sucks and I don’t understand how it became the leading candidate to make Jock Jams 2K8.

9:06 Mark Coury does the first semi graceful thing I’ve ever seen. He pulls some sort of gay ballet move on his close-out. He puts his heels together and flails his hands together in mid-air. He then continues running past the rebound down the court. Not good.

9:09 Two fouls on Coury. 2:27 elapsed off of the clock. A quick exit - even for him.

9:11 This team looks seriously flustered. Someone needs to calm them down. Let’s see if they have a leader.

9:13 Ross Neltner already has 7 points. He’s obviously not happy with what I wrote about him today, but I still mean every word of it. It will take a lot more to convince me that he’s not a white stiff.

9:16 Fresh out of a timeout, we give up a 3 in a matter of seconds. I hope Billy Clyde didn’t draw it up that way.

9:17 AJ Stewart with the bucket? Really? OK, whatever.

9:17 Neltner. Son of a bitch.

9:19 Patterson is called for a travel. I’m glad they called that because I wasn’t sure he was even in the game or not. Now that we got that straight, maybe he can do something to get onto the stat sheet.

9:26 Patterson gets his second foul in two possessions. That will get you on the stat sheet, but that isn’t exactly what I meant.

9:29 Kentucky has 6 points. White post players have 16 for Vanderbilt. I’m starting to feel a little guilty.

9:33 At some point, they have to start defending the backdoor cut right? I mean, Vanderbilt can’t be wide open under the basket every time, can they?

9:35 Coury takes about 5 dribbles from half-court to the free throw line and throws a tipped bounce pass to Ramon Harris who is cutting back door with the appearance of not even expecting to get the ball. Somewhere, Pete Carril is looking for a gun.

9:38 In what appeared to be the first actual offensive play run by Kentucky the whole game, Ramon Harris is left wide-open under the basket. He promptly gets tossed and Vandy keeps the ball in bounds and takes it up the floor.

9:39 Three fouls on Patterson to go with 0 points and 0 rebounds. I guess Coury is rubbing off on him and not the other way around.

9:40 I just witnessed one of the most disappointing sequences I’ve ever seen in a basketball game. It started with Brad Nessler telling his “Dollar” Beal story, complete with a Southern, Ebonic accent. Then Ramel Bradley throws a one-armed alley-oop while running through the lane which bounces off of the backboard and leads to a fast break that ends with two Vandy players wide-open under the basket. Easy lay-up.

9:43 Ross Mother F*&king Neltner! Wide open under the basket! AGAIN!

9:44 Joe Crawford hit’s a free throw and the scoring drought ends at just under a decade. Jared Carter enters the game as the secret white stiff weapon. I hope he can go for 20 in the remaining 4 minutes of the first half.

9:46 Now, I now I throw around the phrase “I’ve never seen that before” a little too much, but I really have never seen that. We just got called for a 5 second call after the free throw when there was no press even on. There just wasn’t anyone who wanted the ball. Unbelievable.

9:47 Crawford takes a spill. Wouldn’t that be sweet if he got hurt too? Wouldn’t surprise me.

9:51 Piece ass Jimmy Dykes is already talking how he got a haircut today. That’s how bad it’s gotten. I don’t even care that he was gay enough to drop nearly $40 on it. It’s just the point that the game is that irrelevant.

9:51 A Kentucky field goal? Really? I forgot what they were. Look at the time I posted about A.J. Stewart scoring. That’s a gap of 34 minutes. I’d call it terrible but I think that would be a compliment.

9:59 Finally, its over. 41-11.

I’m done blogging. I can’t do it. First of all, I think I’m jinxing them. Second of all, I think I’m already getting close to running out of synonyms for pathetic. A couple of first half notes for you:

- Patrick Patterson has one more point than me and just as many rebounds.
- Kentucky has never, in their infinity years of history, had such a low scoring half.
- The team had 3 field goals. That’s how many piece ass Lones Seiber had against LSU.
- Vandy’s white post players have outscored Kentucky’s entire team 20-11.

Second half summary:

This is like nothing I’ve ever seen. It’s a perfect storm. Vanderbilt is hitting everything. Every ball is bouncing their way. Kentucky is missing layups. They can’t dribble the ball. They can’t shoot. They can’t even pass the ball to a guy that is wide open. The most disheartening thing about this loss, though, is that Kentucky has completely abandoned everything that they’ve been doing successfully.

Ramel Bradley and Joe Crawford are driving more recklessly than Lindsay Lohan and neither one has shown any interest in getting the team to settle down and play their game. The already weak offense is completely non-existent and offensive sets have been replaced with standing around while someone drives aimlessly at the basket.

If you are going to get your ass-kicked beyond being able to come back in the second half, at least try to work on things that are going to make you better. Run your sets. Get up in someone’s face on D. What Kentucky put on the floor in the second half was a complete display of a “Lets just get the F out of here as soon as possible” attitude. That’s not a team I can't easily support - no matter what they have written across their chest.

I’m completely disgusted with this game and it has very little to do with the score. I’m not trying to say that the ass-kicking is something that can be tolerated, but it’s absolutely sickening to watch a team just completely give up. Instead of coming out in the second half and showing that they were still going to get in Vandy’s face and play the hard-nosed defense that sent them on their run lately, they just came out and went through the motions - and half-assed too. If I was Gillispie, I would have put in the walk-ons with about 15 minutes to go in the half. It’s not like a comeback was going to happen and Vandy called off the dogs and pulled their starters with 9:47 left in the game.

At this point, Kentucky fans, it looks like we’ve got a talent-deficient and oft-injured team. And if that isn’t bad enough, it’s one that gives up when faced with adversity. Let’s hope that something miraculous happens on that team bus tonight.

Bill Gates gives up Facebook

In a stunning move, Bill Gates has stated that he is no longer using Facebook, after investing $240 million in it and developing a 30 minutes per day habit. It is supposedly in protest of the site not permanently deleting users information off of the internet when they delete their profiles and the large amount of ads now present.

Don't worry. You can still add Jesus Christ or Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny as your friend.

Vanderbilt Basketball: White Power

Today we salute you Vanderbilt white guy. While everyone else got on board with recruiting long, athletic players long ago, the Commodores preferred that their stars come to play as white and stiff as possible. These are the guys who aren’t exactly the most talented, but you’ll never hear the end of how they “come to play” or “make the most of their talent” or “are the kinds of guys you want in a trench with you”.

In honor of current big white stiff Alex Ogilvy, it’s only fitting that we take a look back at some of the guys who paved the slow-footed way for him and what they are up to now.

Dan Langhi - After finishing second in Kentucky’s Mr. Basketball race, Langhi went to Vanderbilt and brought pain to the SEC. Pain in the form of the tube sock. It wasn’t quite the tube sock statement made by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but it was equally as gay.

Langhi blew up his senior year with 22 points and 6 rebounds per game and was a second round pick of the Dallas Mavericks - a franchise who knew a stiff when they saw one. After being swapped for Eduardo Najera, Langhi played for the Rockets, Suns, Warriors and Bucks before retiring with an unbelievably round 3.0 ppg career average.

So where is Langhi now? I have no earthly idea. Can’t find a thing. Please send me an update if you have one.

Matt Freije - If there was ever a non-UK player that I wanted to succeed, it was Freije. Once you got past hearing every game about how in-state Kansas had overlooked him in high school, it was easy to appreciate his balls-to-the-wall mentality as he did everything for the Commodores on the court. Plus he looks like Milky from Me, Myself, and Irene.

Vanderbilt’s all-time leading scorer was drafted by the Heat but suited up for the Hornets and the Hawks. His NBA career came to a painfully tragic end when the Atlanta Hawks released him in favor of someone even slower and whiter - Slava Medvedenko.

I’m not sure what Freije is up to, but I know that he is living in Kansas, looking like Mick Jagger and ignoring my Myspace friend requests. See if he will add you here.

Dawid Przybyszewski - Standing seven feet, two inches tall and looking to fire the three, Daqid Przybyszewski was born for Vanderbilt. He became a fan favorite early in his career when he could clean up Freije’s misses and find open space to fire the three. He didn’t really develop beyond that.

Although he finished his career 4th all-time on Vandy’s blocked shot list, the NBA scouts didn’t come knocking. Luckily for him, Europe did. After a short stint with the Bulls summer league team, “The Chef” went to Poland were he either did or did not dominate. I don’t know because I don’t speak Polish and I’m not paying for Euro League stat access. It does look like he’s on the National team though, but I could be wrong. See “I don’t speak Polish” above.

Scott Hundley - The Mr. Kentucky basketball from Scott County moved south to Nashville and didn‘t seem to do a whole lot of stuff great, but a little bit of everything kind of ok. He isn’t as big as the other guys on the list, but he’s certainly as white and stiff.

Hundley left the Commodores with career averages of not very many points and not a whole lot of rebounds. He is now an assistant coach for Montgomery County High School in Mount Sterling, Kentucky and offers private basketball lessons through this website.

Honorable Mention:

Ross Neltner - Another former Kentucky Mr. Basketball who still has eligibility for the Commodores. Look for him to be included on this list next year.

Rick Jones - Jones was thrown out of Vanderbilt and Murray State for smoking dope and isn’t really stiff enough - or probably white enough for that matter - to be included on this list. I just wanted to note that a guy with a major weed problem played professionally for the Houston Blaze. Great fit.

Worse than "One Night in Paris"?

Paris Hilton’s new film, The Hottie and The Nottie, debuted this weekend and, shockingly, proved that America’s youth might not be going to a hell in a skanked-out, glitter and lip gloss hand basket, after all. The blockbuster film, which rivals Birth of A Nation in terms of social importance, mustered a whopping $23,000 in it’s opening weekend. For those of you who aren’t math majors, that breaks down to $207 per theatre, which means about 26 people saw this movie per theatre for the entire weekend.

Paris most likely mourned by giving someone herpes.

Grab a piece of wrestling history

The Genius, a.k.a. Lanny Poffo, didn't do a whole lot while he was a part of the World Wrestling Federation, but he did have one defining moment. During his homoerotic pairing with Mr. Perfect in 1989, the Genius defeated Hulk Hogan at Saturday Night's Main Event and Perfect destroyed the WWF Championship with a hammer.

Now, for only $10,000 you can own the demolished belt. I'm not sure if purchasing this would be considered a genius move on your part, but it's still pretty cool.

And the award for "Awards Show most out of touch with reality" goes to...

...the Grammys, who managed to render themselves more irrelevant than before by handing out their Album of the Year award to Herbie Hancock. Besides signing his name bigger than everyone else on the Declaration of Independence, Hancock also gave you this ground-moving 80s music video. Keep in mind that this guy beat out Kanye West, Foo Fighters and Amy Winehouse.

Beezer does D.C.

I will be fulfilling my patriotic duties today and over the weekend in our nation's capitol so the content might be a little slow today. I mean "slow" in a literal fashion, not the Life Goes On kind of "slow"...you get that here every day.

Anyway, enjoy your weekend. Go ahead and get the party started right now.